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DarkCode
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Name: DarkCode
Country: United States
State: North Dakota
Birthday: 4/13/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: Video games, Model kits, Anime, and Comic books/Manga. AIM: KaiserDarkCode
Expertise: I know boundless amounts of information pertaining to Gundam, Mega Man, and Transformers
Occupation: Newtype
Industry: Anaheim Electronics
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/20/2002
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| It's always amusing to come back to this site and read all of the sad shit that I dwell on when I get the chance. Though, I find myself returning here with less angst, depression and loneliness. Of course, I still have all those ailments to some degree still, but the fact that it doesn't destroy my livelihood anymore is such a refreshing fact.
Though, to this day, I still don't understand the catalyst to such a change. Not entirely at any rate, and that is something that annoys me. I don't know what to tell people when I stopped being such a whiny, depressive bitch. The closest thing that I can think of is that I re-evaluated life and came the conclusion that I could live a life with the knowledge that I would probably never get a girlfriend in my lifetime. Life isn't just about reproducing, and maintaining a relationship with a lover of sorts(Well, it can depending on where you put stock in life). I mean, if one is looking for a universal purpose on humanitarian level, one would not need to look further then doing their best to advance a field of their choice. While many may not contribute as much, or get nearly as much credit for their ideas, the act of passionate attempts are more important than doing nothing. Finding that my existence on all levels is more important than nonexistence, it's not hard to realize it's best to just give life a try even when things are absolutely terrible. Why? Because we only have one life, and it moves quickly! We'll all end up in the same dank oblivion at some point, so why not try existing first? Dive in head first! Having an understanding what you can and cannot change in this world is important, simply having the knowledge that one is handed a deck of cards to do with as you wish is empowering, even if you don't get to choose how good your deck is.
Life is exactly what you can make of it, and to enjoy it is the job of your mind. How you interpret objective events in what manner is your power. Subjectivity DOES have some power to change certain aspects of objectivity. Simply believing that you can do something will (While not making any guarantees) increase your performance in achieving your desired goal. One's obsession with their past mistakes will affect their future actions and ultimately their results.
At least, these are some of the answers to the questions that I was searching for so many years ago. This new found resolve is important if only to my entire existence, which by relation is important to those around me - Family and friends, of whom I hurt when I was self-absorbed in my depression.
At present, I look forward to more college and increasing my knowledge of Psychology, Sociology, and Criminal Justice. I've no more room for regrets. Well, and there is that story I want to write about DarkCode. Which I continue to obsessively plan out, if only for my own interest. Though, I can't tell if others would be interested in reading such a masturbatory story.
The answers? My own conjecture is not enough for such things: Only the future holds the keys
"Most of us are neither so happy nor as miserable as we think. The key is to stay engaged with your life and your hopes."
- Daisuke Aramaki
- DC
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| Sweeney Todd left me horrifyingly depressed after it had ended. I'm not entirely sure what it was exactly about it, because I stopped sympathizing with Sweeney about where he started killing people at random. Which effectively, removed ANY feeling for the character. Sure, I thought many of his unique mannerisms or how apathetic he looked during Lovett's dream scene were great. It's just that indiscriminately killing people at random is not exactly something that can be excused in my book, regardless of the character's personal trauma's. I'm not even sure if the movie's content was what depressed me, even. I didn't really care for the movie overall, but it's a good movie.
After all this time being exposed to couples or just general closeness in my proximity, one would think by now that I'd be used to it. Boy, was I wrong. I might be complaining too much on the matter, but I am someone who is going to be lonely forever (Before you say it, I'm stopping you here. No.) it's something I can't get over it.
I hate couples.
It's stupid, pitiful, and down right pathetic taking that stance. I just can't stand to be around them though, I feel like I can only be around it for so long before it gets under my skin. No matter what couple, no matter how close they act, it's merely the knowledge of their close relationship that bothers me to an unending degree. I never really thought that it affected me as much it really does. I've been told that couples aren't as close as they seem most of the time, that they have scuffles, but I wouldn't know. Chances are getting increasingly likely that I'll never know the truth to that.
Of course, there is no real solution to this problem externally. I'm just going to have to accept facts of my own life, and extinguish the last of my hope on the matter. I most likely will never find the courage to put myself up for another denial, and don't really intend to unless it happens accidentally (Which, apparently happen(s).) I'm just sick of feeling alone, in that sense. It's simple and constant, and it's just something that cannot be overstated in relation to me.
Often, I wonder how much people care about each other. I've also proven today that I value my own free time (In which, apparently, I need a huge amount) over a friend's health and livliness. Boy, I'm a great person.
I'm not sure if it's even alright to feel better right now. I don't deserve it.
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| Well, first of all, Ziggy, one of our puppies found a home. A
very nice home in which they kept his name and they spend a lot of time with him. Very nice!
On the sadder side of news, my cat Kricket is pretty much dying at this
point. Shes become incredibly emaciated and can hardly jump on my
bed anymore. She is also breathing heavily all the time, and it's
really sad to see. It's comforting to know that cat's seem to
have really peaceful deaths, at least, from what I'm told of the
situation.
And if anyone is looking to cheer me up through material items! Quickly put together 55,000 dollars and buy this:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&viewitem=&item=230181106980
Yeah. It's pretty much bitchin'.
Man, thats funny to use sometimes, hehehe!
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| Recently, Sophie my mother's dog had puppies.
Five in total were born, three were boys, two were girls. One of
them was a runt. Unfortunately for me, this was the one to gain my
affection and my mother had predicted it to die. I didn't want to
believe it, and I tried(my mother did as well...) to get it to feed with the other dogs.
I went to check on the puppies at around 3:00 PM today only
to find the runt had stopped breathing and had become stiff. I
felt what could only be described as shock and overcoming sense of
depression. At the time we found him, Sophie was also
accidentally stepping on him and ignoring him. Which also left a
terrible impression of what an animal is capable of in the manner of
feeling for a loss...
I want to break down and cry, but I can only shed a
few tears. As common as the burning sensation behind the eyes
are, the actual act of shedding tears is fairly rare. An
overwhelming sense of lonliness was also added today, but not only is
that insubstantial, but selfish. The loss and feeling today is
for the Runt.
May the Deity or Force which governs the laws of this world take care of the Runt's spirit in death.
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| I'm back at the parent's house again. I started a project on my
room which seems to have more ambition than I thought. John and I
managed to rip apart the corner so I could set up my comp in the room,
but it needs so much work and the fact that I cannot even come close to
using that bed again is kind of disheartening (I'd probably still be
sleeping if that was the case, hah).
I've got my consoles and computer set up the way I prefer, but thats
about it so far, I slightly dread all the garbage bags filled with my
own stuff I haven't even looked at (Despite taking WAY more than half
the basement.) My parents have been quite kind in accepting me
back into the household, and it's nice. It will give me some time
to breath a bit, figure myself out, and hopefully head back to college
this fall. I figure that is the best course of action. Life
wasn't too bad at the apartment, but there was a certain pressure that
continued while living there, I can't place my finger on it, but I feel
it disipate a bit now. Perhaps I felt a bit too crowded?
I often wonder how many people I could have met if I wasn't so attached
to not talking to people when I'm not required to do so. It's
never too much of consern for me, really, just for the fact that I like
who I know, and I feel that many more relations would definately muddle
the ones I currently have. It's always been a bit of my
philosophy. I'm such a picky person when it comes to relations
that I spook myself on it.
Life isn't too bad lately, I beat Xenosaga Episode III: Also Sprach
Zarathustra and it was amazing. The story, the battle system
everything, It's a shame it's a bit on the short side of an RPG.
Incredibly insightful, even on how to live your on life. Great,
huh? I've never really been one to try to think of how others
live and copy it, though, My philisophies while not trying to be
similiar end up that way to at the very least a slight degree.
Which isn't too much of a problem in my opinion. Definately a
fantastic game.
I won't hang the flag till I'm finished cleaning the room.
Anyways to sleep/food/clean/laze around.
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